Friday, 26 April 2013

Wobbly moments

The latest project, all the bits together just waiting to be put together.  I used the new flourish stamp on the frame with the cosmic shimmer powder.  Was wondering why it was taking an age to emboss when I realised I had the heat gun on low!   Then I dropped the darn thing, luckily it didn't break.  I picked up another 3 frames, larger ones which I think will work nicely with the new dies.  That was during my the shopping for the next decorating project.

Which is my bedroom.  Spotted in the local rag that one of the DIY stores had bargains on carpet tiles and paint, well too good an offer to refuse.  The tiles were half price, as was the paint, so job done for half the cost.  I went for powder blue, and a starry night blue carpet tile.  I wasn't much in the mood for looking around, I had a wobbly moment this morning.  I was up early,   6 a.m., having had a panic attack.  So put some washing on,  faffed around, then spotted mum's handbag which was waiting to be checked for stuff, so did that and bang, wobbly moment!   It was finding little notes,  then a pic of her and dad in her purse that did it.  Right at the bottom I found a tag, it said 'best friends', it must have come off a key ring I guess.   I put it on my own key ring,  but it all got too much and the tears came.  So I wasn't really in the mood for anything, but there was stuff to be done, more recycling,  and going to the DIY store, plus the supermarket shop.

I was watching a programme yesterday and a character said how hard it was losing a parent, that its effect on a grown up child is often underestimated, and that struck a chord with me.  Mums and dads just go on forever, don't they?   We sort of know that yes they will die, but we never really think about it or what it will mean.  We're grown ups after all, we have no use for parents,  well other than as advisors,  carers, as our mum or dad,  as the person who is always there for us, who helps pick up the pieces.   I knew mum was dying, but it doesn't take away the shock, or the huge sense of loss.  As a carer you have a unique role, part child, part parent and carer. There is no denying it is stressful,  not actually the caring bit, but rather sparing their feelings,  helping to maintain their independence,  trying not to be too pushy or too weak when it comes to encouragement.   Then one day it all stops,  there isn't even a period of notice.  

I would like to have a good nights sleep,  but I don't seem able to snap out of the pattern of waking up between 2 and 3 a.m.,  I go back to sleep, eventually but then I'm awake again between 5 and 6.  It is just becoming very tiring.  I'm not starting the decorating this weekend,  that can wait.  I'll just be pootling about,  might even manage a lie in?  

I wish you all a lovely weekend,  enjoy it whatever the weather.   Many thanks for stopping by.


Elizabeth said...

Hi Cass, the frame is lovely and you seem to have chosen the same colour scheme as my daughter has for her bedroom. Sorry to hear you are not sleeping well and I do hope it will get better with time ... life is going to be nothing but a series of moments when you feel the loss of your mother more than others. I still value the first day I was able to smile at something I imagined my mother saying instead of sobbing - like you say, we don't get any notice period. Take care my friend and take it easy. Elizabeth xx

kokoclowie said...

Ah Cass, I feel for you. I remember doing exactly as you're doing now. The sleepless nights, the crying over the smallest of things. They say its all part of the healing process. Not sure about that. I'm lucky in that I still have my dad with me, but watching his continued grief keeps mine to the fore somewhat.

Two days ago dad presented me with mums vanity case complete with her make up bag. He'd found it under the bed. I thought my sis and I had cleared mums things away to stop this happening to dad. Just opening it and seeing the contents - and smelling her face powder - it was a real jolt.

I've learnt over the last 8 months that there are always going to be things to remind you of mum, you'll want to tell her something funny that happened, or (as in my case) go to tell her that her favourite tv prog has returned.

But I've also just about reached that place Elizabeth mentioned. I've been able to smile at things mum did. Dads been sorting out photos and its been painful but fun too remembering the times captured in those images.

Someone told me about a poem that sums up how I deal with it all. I'm sure you must know of it -

Know you have people who care about you. Whether they be in your local real world or here in cyber space, we love you and want you to feel better. Keep up the crafting, you've always been such an inspiration

Love & hugs, Karen xxx