Thursday, 18 December 2008

Goodnight Mo

Yesterday was one of those bright sunny days, with a cold wind blowing. I'd not been inside the church, but it was beautiful inside, the family had put together a memorial to Mo, with a lovely photo on the front, I looked at it and felt the tears beginning to fall.
The service was lovely, the priest had spent some time with the family, which was nice as Mo wasn't a Catholic, so he was able to speak warmly about her, and put in a few funny stories. The church was packed, everyone was crying, even the men. Think it was testimony to how loved she was.

Today I felt really down, had a physio appointment and half felt like cancelling it. Just couldn't be bothered, don't feel like I am getting anywhere. Couldn't get to bend beyond 73 per cent! So I'm now going backwards, physio asked me to walk without crutch, I'm not too bad indoors, but haven't the confidence to do without it outside. Just feel as if I've now hit the brick wall, that there won't be much more progress. After the appointment I sat in the car, and just felt like crying... Would like to cancel Christmas. Can't work up any enthusiasm for it at all. Mum is still convincing herself that I will change my mind and agree to go to with her to my sisters.... no way! Done it for the last two years, and I said to mum that I didn't want this to be how we spent Christmas from now on, of course she said it would only be now and again - yeah, right. I'm off the hook obligation wise as my neice has hot footed it to Goa for Xmas.

I know it sounds odd not to want to be with family over Xmas, I do, but on my own terms and not holed up somewhere where I don't want to be. I like to slob about, get the old track suit joggers on, sweat shirt and just chill... and you can't do that, there is nowhere to sit, there is nowhere to go to escape for some peace and quiet. Plus I can't drive that far, so would be stuck waiting for someone to bring me back, and of course have to put up with the ususal: oh stay a bit longer... I'm not in the mood for a festive gathering, and also want some time away from mum, and she needs time away from me! So I have my day planned, got in my food, I will have a proper Xmas dinner, all the trimmings, got my pud, looked at what is on the telly... will get out the craft stuff and just enjoy myself.

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